Last week I was at a conference where the speaker was talking about the power of trust and inclusive leadership. As I am wont to do with asking questions, I raised my hand and asked: what is the place of fear in this triangle (or circle of trust?) we are talking about bringing people into?

Because I find, and I have found based on my experience, that fear can sometimes be the dominant factor in work environments and in relationships between ourselves and people we don’t know. And no one wants to admit it.

We are either afraid: 1. Of the unknown. We don’t know what this person would be like in close quarters. All I have ever known are other people’s representations of them. And because I don’t know, I am afraid. 2. To trust, because we have been burned before, and logic tells me I need to be careful about where to place my trust.

Fear is an emotion. In fact, it is the most dominant emotion we humans have evolved over time, and it can serve to keep us “safe” when properly harnessed. The thing, though, is that fear — as expressed above, as the flip side of trust — has experiential connotations for many, especially when we are recipients of the first kind.

If you have ever received certain kinds of feedback about the way you show up as a human at work, recognize that underlying the feedback may be fear. No one giving feedback will ever point out that they are being driven by fear, but it’s important to have this reasoning at the back of your mind as the receiver.

As a person who spends quite a bit of time in the presence of the “other,” trying to share knowledge, it was Parker J. Palmer (Courage to Teach) who highlighted for me an idea that I had always sensed but could not quite put a name or tag to. In talking about living and working in a culture of fear, he recognizes that a teacher can be driven by the fear of being considered a fraud, the fear of losing control, and the fear of not only being a bad teacher but a bad person — because a teacher’s sense of self is many times inexplicably tied to their sense of self as a teacher.

But then he makes the opposing argument that the learners are also afraid — whether of failing, of not understanding, or of looking foolish and ignorant in front of their peers. And when both learner and teacher fears are mixed, learning cannot progress.

I’d take the same lens into workplace culture and issues. A person who gives feedback about, or complains about, another person’s presence and manner of speaking and being may be afraid that they have not given themselves permission to show up as boldly as the person they complain about.

I could go on about the many examples of workplace experiences that might be driven by fear, especially as it relates to not being a part of majority culture, but the idea is to recognize that fear is reciprocal. As an employee, I might be “afraid” of what my boss would do to me, but what if they are afraid that I was going to come after their position or their job if I could? As a young person, I might be annoyed that a more experienced person is correcting my work, but my response could be driven by the fear that this person might be around for what seems like forever, and I would not get a chance to ascend that proverbial ladder.

How do we transcend into trust, then? I know from experience that this is easier said than done, but it is possible. And the first step is to recognize the emotion driving us at work. A few questions to think about:

1. What am I really afraid of? I recognize this is a strange question to ask about the workplace and how we go about our business. But I believe if we can learn to lean into the emotionality behind our intellect at work, it would go a long way toward ensuring that we give accurate feedback. And if we are the recipient, it would also go a long way toward ensuring that we take the proper perspective on the feedback being given.

2. What can I do to lessen the fear and trust better? For this, I would say: get curious, and stay curious. There is no question asked from a place of invitational curiosity that can easily get shut down.

“I’m curious as to…” “I would like to know more about…” “I’d like to clarify…” “Please, could you help me clarify?” “I would like more clarity on…”

Note that all of the above phrases are somewhat open and inviting of more clarification, as opposed to the open-and-shut instances of making up stories or coming to made-up conclusions about things, people and ideas that we do not understand.

Inquiry-focused approaches like this at least create room for a more nuanced understanding of the matter at hand. Now, there are times when the evidence may clearly point to the other party not being forthcoming, or being outright dishonest in their responses to our invitations. But, as I like to tell the women in my circle, when we approach things this way, we at least know that we have laid our cards on the table, as it were, and it’s left for the other party to play. And in more instances than not, it opens the door to a fairer game, based on agreeable levels of mutual interactivity at work.

How have you parlayed emotionality at work into something valuable for your career growth?