As quarterly cycles of the year go, it’s hard to believe we are at the end of the third quarter of 2023. In this edition, I want to hone in on a question asked by one of my learners about in-groups and out-groups at work. But first, I want to start by telling a personal story.

A few weeks ago I was re-introduced to someone, let’s call them Person A, who didn’t quite recall that we had met before. I proceeded to make small talk with Person A. I talked about what I remembered about them from the last time we met. We chitchatted generally for a minute and I went about my day.

Some minutes later, someone else entered the room and was introduced. This person then proceeded to have what seemed like an unending conversation with Person A.

To say I was tired simply from listening to the pace of this conversation would be an understatement. And I wasn’t even the one speaking or responding.

I tell this story as a reflection of the completely old but still relevant question of how introverts and extroverts process external stimulation, and how this can show up in work relationships. While I admired the person talking (while wondering why they couldn’t keep quiet for a second), I also kept thinking “Wow, that was different.” I realized that I would most likely have to continue learning how to be with people in a more socially-acceptable manner, perhaps? This is an awareness borne out of knowing myself and then trying to work on any gaps brought to the fore.

In class, I had been teaching on the research finding that leaders have unique relationships with their employees. Some tend to favor certain team members, with whom they have developed close relationships. And in the process, will then share time and resources with them. These employees, who perceive the special nature of this relationship, turn around and give over a hundred and ten percent effort. This leads to more support from the leaders, and thus is born a self-perpetuating “in-group.” Obviously, anyone not in this circle finds themselves in the out-group. And those in the out-group’s perception of themselves can impact their motivation and performance.

The question posed to me was whether leaders owe it to their employees to widen their in-group, and how it wasn’t possible for everyone to be in the in-group, if at all.

My response was that it might not be humanly possible to have everyone in the in-group. As leaders practicing emotional, social and cultural intelligence, however, there’s a need to ensure a pretty fair distribution of resources. Leaders also need to ensure that disparity between their in-groups and out-groups is not flaunted.

The other side of this is also recognizing that your employees or followers may have no interest in your inner circle, but rather are motivated by different things.

But what happens if you desire to be in the in-group and you do not appear to be?

While it might often be easy to attribute it to a personal failing, recognize that it’s not. People sometimes like who they like, and it may not have anything to do with you. You owe yourself the duty of doing your work over and above expectations and keeping a pretty good record of the work you do.

This record-keeping is critical for many reasons —

1. It is data that can serve as evidence of your capability, whether others recognize it or not.
2. If you are on the receiving side of a non-positive halo effect, this data can help during performance evaluation conversations.
3. Following the evidence can help when it’s time to take yourself out of relationship with the leader as you transition to another environment.

If you happen to be on the introverted side, like so many capable, gifted (and sometimes misunderstood) individuals in a work world that caters more to extroverted personalities, you can always ask for help.

In my earlier story, it could be something as simple as saying, “Hey, I really admire your capacity to hold such open conversations. I would like to get some tips to help me with my future encounters.”

Remember, if they are extroverts, they would be more than willing to help. And you would have created room for one more relationship to open up.

Lastly, people in the out-group can own themselves and realize work can fulfill other needs, even if they would want their needs for affiliation (with leaders) to be met.

Knowing, and owning, one’s self allows one to know when the unmet need becomes too much of a burden — and when it’s time to go elsewhere and seek a more reciprocal leader-member relationship.

Have you ever perceived yourself to be in an out-group situation at work? How did you handle it? I would love to hear from you.